How Grief Affects Family and Friends When Relocating

9/15/2016

Saying Goodbye Is Hard To Do

Have you ever experienced this: Someone in your family, a colleague, or a friend announces that he or she is moving far away and possibly to another country for a job promotion or perhaps returning to one’s country after an overseas stint or just moving to be closer to family.

“Great!” you say, feeling somewhat taken back yet wanting to be happy for that person.

“When’s the big move?” you ask trying to be cheerful but in your heart you feel an overwhelming wave of sadness.

Relocating for a new career opportunity or any other reason is exciting, but it comes with a price.

Sometimes that cost is unintentional grief left behind like an empty suitcase that family members and dear friends lug silently.

One of my research participants, Belinda (not her real name), said her husband, Chris, still feels angry that his sister moved from England to New Zealand a few years ago.

“There was a huge void for Chris’s sister when she and her kids departed. The family doesn’t travel, and the parents are too old to make a long flight to New Zealand. They feel hurt that they cannot see grandkids watch them grow and build a relationship with them,” she said.

There are unforeseen consequences—powerful emotions that occur when a close family member moves away.

“Chris’s parents did so much for them, taking care of the grandchild, helping them out financially, that when they moved so far away they felt taken for granted. They were bereft,” she lamented.

Sometimes there is resentment associated with the move. In Belinda’s case, the family put the blame on the son-in-law because he accepted the overseas position. This finger pointing put stress on the family relationship. As a result, he avoids communicating with the in-laws even to this day.

I have a similar story. In 2008, Volkswagen offered my husband, Joerg, a three-year contract to work at VW headquarters in Herndon, VA. We were thrilled to have an opportunity to live and work in the US. The children would attend the German School of Washington D.C. to keep up their German language skills. For us, it was a win-win situation.

I was disappointed to learn that not everyone shared in our happiness, especially my in-laws. I thought it shouldn’t have come as a surprise because we’d moved already four times in seven years. I found out I was wrong.

When we talked about the move it was met with tight mouths and disappointed faces. I was hurt that they didn’t see the benefit in the move for us as a bilingual, bicultural family. The grieving process had started before we even departed.

Even my own mother in California stated her concern. “Are you sure you’re doing the right thing by leaving Germany and moving to crime-ridden America? What about the kids?” she said with a hint of doubt in her voice.

What about my kids, I wanted to scream. They finally get to live in my country, learn English properly, build a bond with my family, and to understand my cultural influences.

For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why anyone would question our motives.

The move was so important to us. Joerg was excited about his new job. It was a dream-come-true for me to be living on an expatriate contract in my own country, which meant VW would be picking up the bill for the school and housing. I knew the move would be hard on our then 9-year-old daughter, Jessica, but that’s a topic for another blog. The future benefits would by far outweigh any regret.

Eventually, my in-laws came to terms with our relocation. They even graciously helped me pack. We promised to call and Skype, but I realized there are some things that Skype cannot fix: Our physical presence would be missed dearly.

There is no compensation insurance for the pain and suffering of loved ones who mourn your absence. In today’s world, we have social media to help us stay connected to those far away. Yet it doesn’t replace the intimacy or the real closeness of being in the same room or sitting together face to face.

The only advice I have is to accept that it is hard on both parties and try to be supportive and sensitive to each other’s emotions. Staying angry or sad doesn’t help the situation: it only makes it more painful.

Over To You

Have you ever had to move and felt guilty about it? Or have you ever felt left behind when a loved-one moved away? I’d love to hear your thoughts and opinions so please leave a comment.

Also, if you have ever been in this situation I offer a 30-minute Skype coaching session to listen to your story. Please fill out a contact form and submit it.

4 Comments

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Jeanne M Cervantes

9/16/2016 01:46:40 pm

Sure, I was a little sad when daughter and family moved across the country for a job opportunity. But only because it was going to cost me more money and time to travel to see them...ha. I was very happy for them and kept my mouth shut so as not to dim their adventure.
To do otherwise would be selfish and rude. People who voice their own self-serving issues put stress and guilt on the persons leaving.
Put on a happy face and send them off with love in your heart!!
Here I am visiting them right now. It makes an adventure for me.

Angela Anderson

9/17/2016 03:07:15 am

Paula, You've just helped explain the bitter-sweetness of my own experience in having dear friends in many other countries. Every place I have lived, I made heart connections with people - some friends, some family. And every time I've moved, I've left them, which was hard for me, too. When I think about the pieces of my heart in Germany, Spain, France, Australia, and even Tasmania (some European and American friends also moved away), I feel so incredibly lucky to love people around the world and also so incredibly sad not to be able to hang out with them, eat with them, create with them the way I once did. That's a lot of heartbreak! On the other hand, no matter where you live, you will love and lose. You will always have to face the fact that life and love are transient and therefore so precious. It takes courage to continue to love and get close to people, especially as you get older and experience more separations and loses. Thank you so much for this perspective!

Shelley A. Wilson

9/24/2016 05:30:29 pm

Another great article Paula!

Unfortunately, we have experienced both. Initially, we are the ones who moved away from our families for Ed's job. We moved from Canada to the USA, and though it's not across the world, it might as well be, because we were very close with both our families. We got together with them all the time.

We were supposed to return after 2 years, but then the company offered us another 3. We jumped at the opportunity in staying. After all living in Alabama was far cheaper than living in Ontario, and besides, we were giving our children experiences they never had before. Closing in on the 5 year term, the company, once again, presented us with an offer, stay in AL or return to Canada? By this time, our children were older and we were feeling very guilty of being so far away from our families. Did we do the right thing after all? Though my parents would come down twice a year, my sister and her family hadn't yet. Ed's mom, sister and daughter had only visited us once, and Ed's father is too afraid to fly, and would never drive that 16 hours. We were the ones who had to take our holidays twice a year to see everyone. After much discussions between the five of us and with our families, it was finally Ed's mom who said, you got to do what is best for your little family. We stayed.

Since then, we have moved to 3 different homes, 2 different states,and in between all that Ed is working for a different company.

This last move from Northern Virginia to Florida was where it turned on us. Our two older children were done University, and didn't want to move with us.They wanted to stay.There's more job opportunities near/in DC, friends they didn't want to leave, and they had their own lives to lead. Also, there was nothing in Florida for them except, of course, us. Who knew that one day us moving to the US, would split up our own little family? So this is how our parents felt? What heartache! Just thinking of them brings tears to my eyes. This is the hardest thing we have ever done, not only letting go of our young adult children, but living so far away from them. I cry a lot, I am now as I write these few lines thinking of them. So here I repeat though a little different, we may live in the same country as our kids, but those 700 miles apart might as well be across the world. Not seeing them often is the hardest thing we've ever experienced. This is what we did to our families back home in Toronto all those years ago.Thanksgiving can't come fast enough. They are flying down for the holiday. We are counting down the days!!!!

Labby

10/10/2016 01:46:28 pm

Hello Paula,

I can totally relate with this article. I lived with my mum after my dad passed on at a very early age, we were so close even when I was away from home, we spoke at least twice a day. She was witty and fun to be with, she always requested for a red lipstick every time I was coming back from a trip. Even though I was not the only child I was closer to her than the rest of my siblings. I took her complexion and height and it was hard not to second guess she was my mother.
After a brief illness few weeks to my wedding she was ill and passed on. I was not sure she could bear the pain of living alone and always asked "once I moved to Germany who will take care of her". While she was happy I always knew it was going to be a hard one separating from her, but I had to make a decision.

Hi I'm Paula Schnackenberg
Coach, Writer, English Teacher, Expat