How A Random Stranger Became a life-long correspondent

5/8/2018

The art of letter writing: the by-gone days of penpals

The other day in the mail I got some sad news: a lady whom I met in Hong Kong 22 years ago had died. This is a short story on making an acquaintance that lasted a lifetime—something that is rare today.

In 1996 I was living and working in Tokyo, Japan as an English teacher.  Due to some bureaucratic reason, I had to go on a short trip to Hong Kong to obtain a Japanese working visa.  I had two days free so I took a city tour through Hong Kong. While I was standing in line waiting for the tourist bus, I started chatting with a German woman named Hildegard and her Italian husband, Mateo.

After the tour, we went out for a meal and hung out together the rest of the day. I never saw them again after that but we exchanged mailing addresses.

Over the years Hildegard and I became pen pals.  We wrote each other letters about four times a year.  Mind you this was before email became popular.  We met just before I became engaged to Joerg.  I had no idea that a few years later I would be living in Germany.

Through her letters I learned a lot about her life and family.  She got to know me on a personal level through detailed letters about the intimacies of my own life.  She was a safe person for me to confide in because I never saw her face to face. She wrote back with a sympathetic note letting me know that she understood me.

Even when email and Facebook became popular, Hildegard and I still exchanged letters, in English, mostly because she refused to buy a computer: she didn’t feel the need to master a computer as long as the postman still walked his beat.  Her daughter, Patricia, who lives in Italy, contacted me once via Facebook to show pictures of her mother on holiday in Italy. I encouraged her to get a computer as writing letters seemed so outdated.  But she was steadfast in her decision.

Christmas cards came and went.  This year instead of a letter, I sent her a postcard from Salzburg and the annual Christmas card with my children’s photos. A few years ago her husband Mateo died. I actually never knew how old Hildegard was, the only visual I have of her is standing at the bus stop looking vital and healthy, her face still frozen in time.

When I saw the letter addressed from Patricia in Italy, my heart dropped.  I knew Hildegard had died.  Probably the only pen pal alive on earth was now gone.  In today’s world of distracting phone texts and ostensibly urgent Instagrams, I probably wouldn’t gaze in the eyes of a stranger nor engage in a conversation.  It just feels too awkward.

Back in the day, small talk with the guy or gal sitting next to me on plane was common, perhaps even expected, but not any more.  Most people shy away from random chitchat with headphones over their ears and eyes glued to a mini screen.

Over the years I’ve met so many people by chance, some of whom even who’ve changed the course of my life (a great story for another time), and became friends through letters, email or Facebook.  The art of letter writing has passed.  I miss the opportunity of getting to know someone through words, unleashing my soul to an empathic listener, even one that I had only physically seen once.

I even miss the opportunity of chance acquaintances through no work of my own other than just being at the right place.  In social media, I have to be careful about what I say or it could be misread.  A reader could easily insult me with 140-character tweet, killing the desire to even post anything.  My pen pals never had the audacity to tear me down.  It was a mutual exchange of empathy.

I love writing letters, spilling out my thoughts on paper.  I used to write eight to ten pages, front and back, long scripted letters to friends.  The words just flowed.  I still pen a few detailed emails to a few friends.  I’ve turned to blogging to communicate to a mass group of people.

I admit that I’ve been writing more private messages to friends on Facebook.  I don’t really like Facebook messenger or writing longer notes on social media, but it is the only way I can reach those who don’t read emails any longer, especially the younger generation.

To close, I want to dedicate this blog to Hildegard.  Thank you, Hildegard, for being a long-term correspondent and a dedicated reader.

Over To You

Have you ever had a pen-pal? What was that relationship like for you?

I’d love to hear from you. Hit the comment button below and tell me what you think.

4 Comments

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Shelley A. Wilson

6/7/2018 07:37:12 pm

Hi Paula, As always I enjoyed your blog and this month I can contribute to it with my story.

I got my first penpal when I was in 5th grade. It was a class project. We wrote to a class in New Zealand and they wrote back to us. My penpal, Deborah, and I continued on. To this day, I'm 52, Deborah is a few years older, we still are penpals, though we don't write as often as we used too. These days it may be once or twice a year.

My second penpal happened when I was in 7th grade. My sister, who is younger, also wanted a penpal. Deborah put the advertisement in her local newspaper. We got probably a hundred letters. I wanted another penpal, but everyone was my sister's age or younger, then one letter was a girl named Carolyn, who was only a year younger than me. We have been penpals since. When we were in our twenties, she traveled to many countries, one of them was Toronto, where I was born and living at the time. It was so cool that we finally got to meet.

I hope to one day travel to New Zealand and finally meet my original penpal that I've had since I was 10 years ago and, of course, I would also visit my second penpal.

Patricia Alampi

6/19/2018 07:20:19 pm

Dear Paula, thanks ever so much for the beautiful words about our mum. It‘s just so true what you have been writing (not only about her, but generally speaking). It‘s getting more and more difficult starting to talk to complete strangers, but fortunately when we were younger, there were no smartphones, no computers, and so I can say that some of my very best friends used to be pen-pals who I met after having written a lot of letters to them, or friends I had met somewhere on holiday starting simply to talk to one another. Hopefully we‘ll keep in touch, by traditional post or email or via facebook. :-)

Tracy ROOKE

4/28/2020 06:58:31 am

Hi Paula.
Love reading your blogs. You write so well and knowing you as I do , its even more interesting for me.
Anyway your story about your penpal really rings home for me. Its wonderful how you stayed penpals for all of those years.
It made me recall how many letters I wrote over the years. It was such a happy moment receiving a letter on your door step or at the post restoraunte in some city somewhere in the world . That feeling can never be replaced by an e mail or text message these days.
Your story and the others reminded me of my childhood penpal Gaby Zarth who was also German, from Bad Homburg.
I got my own penpal (as if catching a fish in a net) when I was 11 years old and just about to start senior school here in England. It was hard to get one in those days and a good one who wrote back frequently was like gold dust.
Gabrielle or Gaby as she preferred was a freind of Doris Lensen my sister's penpal. Gaby often sent little gifts which was wonderful so I saved my pocket money hard and spent most of it trying to keep up with her generosity but often failed miserably.
She sent photos of herself with her band. She was incredibly glamourous and beautiful. A singer and dancer in a group. She had many gigs localy wearing very short matching skirts and singing songs like Mr postman by the Rubettes and Yesterday Once More by the Carpenters.
She had a handsome boyfreind and told me of many adventures and exciting times.
She was 3 years older than Me and I felt out of her league. I guess that all she really wanted was to practice her English and after a couple of years of hearing how I had cleaned my guinea pig out that morning (yawn) and had some French homework to do ( another yawn) she realized that I was no match for her glamourous existance. My looking forward to a sleep over at Debbie's house next Friday was just not cutting it...and so eventually Gaby tired of me. I sent a few more letters but regection was firmly on the cards and she never wrote back..... Biatch lol
I didn't keep her letters for long and I doubt she would've kept mine but I would dearly love to read those letters that I wrote to her as a child. I guess they'd serve as a kind of diary for me now and would bring back alot of lost memories. I also sent photos of which we'd have no copies in those days.
Anyway Gaby was gone but the exciting Doris lensen remained and this gorgeous German Fauline came to visit us one summer in the north of England. This visit marks a happy time in our family Life which we all still talk about to this day.
Doris was a charmer , a tall curvy, pretty and very outgoing 18 year old. She wooshed through our town like a tidal wave leaving lots (and I mean lots ) of young lads and grown men too with a swelling in their pants and one or two with a broken heart.
We took her to Scarborough for a lovely holiday by the beach, where she insisted on going to nightclubs every night. Persuading my parents and taking my sister and myself with her (I was 15 at the time and still very wet around the ears). We'd have to be home by 12 and my mother and father were miffed as to what to do, when we turned up 'again' without Doris.
She was off with another lucky young lad for a sand in your knickers night on the beach with Miss Lensen.
We lost touch with Doris but had many a laugh recalling her exploits again and again over the years.
Fast forward 25 years and add facebook to the mix and Doris resurfaced. Doris and my sister reconnected. She quickly and excitedly arrived in London.
After the wonderful re kindled moment (slow motion lots of hugging on a steam train platform) the visit unfortunately ended badly and she found herself on a plane home the next day. Doris hadnt realized that my sister was in a relationship with a woman she just couldnt come to terms with it at all....
In fact she turned out to be a raging homophobe with enormous prejudice against the gay community.
Needless to say that was the end of the penpal and those aerograms were finally layed to rest.

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11/4/2022 07:29:57 pm

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Hi I'm Paula Schnackenberg
Coach, Writer, English Teacher, Expat